Why You Can’t Turn Off Your Brain at Night (Even When You’re Exhausted)

You’ve been going all day - mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ve answered emails, made decisions about dinner, remembered things for other people, and kept a hundred tiny spinning plates spinning in the air. You were so excited to rest tonight. You did your routine, and got into bed…and your brain is wide awake.

Suddenly, you're replaying conversations, thinking about whether or not you sent that one email, reviewing tomorrow’s schedule, calculating how many hours of sleep you’ll get if you fall asleep right now, and remembering something embarrassing from six years ago.

As a psychologist who works with high-achieving, anxious women, I hear this exact story regularly. Feeling calm all day and spiraling at bedtime is far more common than most people realize. And the explanation is not that you're “bad at relaxing.”

Let’s talk about why your brain suddenly turns up the volume the moment you lay down - and what you can do about it.

Nighttime Overthinking Isn’t Random - It’s Delayed Processing

Throughout the day, you’re busy. You’re juggling work tasks, social obligation, and future planning (not to mention emotional caretaking and other invisible and mental labor).

When your brain is occupied, there’s no space for internal processing and reflection. So your system puts it off for later. And when do you think later is? Yup - nighttime. And then it tries to process everything at once (your brain is efficient, if anything).

Many women tell me they feel fine all day, but when they get into bed, they feel “everything.” 

To be frank, that’s not a defect - that’s a backlog.

Now that there’s no task to focus on, no email to respond to, no “next thing” to handle, what’s underneath comes rushing forward - and yes, that includes embarrassing moments from years ago.

This is why the quiet feels loud - it is.

The Biology of Why Your Brain Spirals at Night

Your body has two dominant nervous system states:

• Sympathetic: activated, alert, preparing

• Parasympathetic: resting, digesting, decompressing

High-achieving, anxious women often spend 90% of their day in the sympathetic state - even if they appear calm, internally the motor is running.

During the day, adrenaline and cortisol keep you functioning. As these chemicals begin to drop at night, your body shifts, allowing room for feelings, thoughts, and sensations that were suppressed during the busyness of the day.

Imagine trying to hold a beach ball under water all day. When you finally loosen your grip - even slightly - it shoots up with force. Your emotions work the same way.

The Weight of “Unfinished Emotional Business”

Here’s the part most people never talk about: High-achieving women spend their days managing tasks to avoid feeling things. Not by choice, but by necessity.

School rewarded composure. Work rewarded competence. Family rewarded stability.

You didn’t learn to spend time in your emotional world, and you likely weren’t shown how to regulate or balance your emotions with getting things done.

So the body waits until the end of the day, when you’re finally still and the screens are gone.

That’s when the parts of you that didn’t get airtime earlier show up, emotional baggage in tow. You might cycle between exhaustion, fear, sadness, regret, guilt, irritation, and more.

These feelings aren’t new - they’re unprocessed.

Why Nighttime Is the First Time You Even Notice Anxiety

For many high-achieving women, nighttime is the first time they notice anxiety. They’re not having panic attacks or feeling constantly distressed. They often actually feel productive, and even calm.

Throughout the day, your mind is busy with other things. When you lie down, there’s no longer a to-do list to outrun yourself with. That’s when you meet the anxious parts you’ve been too busy to notice.

This doesn’t mean you’re “avoiding your emotions.” It means your life structure suppresses them until you slow down enough to feel them.

How Therapy Helps Calm Your Mind at Night

You don’t need someone telling you to “just relax,” or “try deep breathing,” or “cut out caffeine.” You need space to understand your mind and learn what it needs to slow down.

Therapy can help with nighttime anxiety by addressing the root causes.

1. We identify the protective parts that turn on at night

These might be parts of you that:

• fear losing control

• worry about disappointing others

• track safety

• manage emotional fallout

Understanding these parts reduces their urgency.

2. We build a relationship with your nervous system

We help you remember that your body isn’t the enemy. Nighttime anxiety is your nervous system asking for attention., and learning to speak its language using nervous system tools can help it downshift.

3. We make space for the emotions you don’t feel during the day

We slowly and intentionally make space for emotions (and your internal spiral about the 6th grade science fair). You learn to feel them safely and slowly, so you can reduce the backlog regularly rather than adding to it. 

4. We shift the belief that rest is unsafe

This is one of the biggest barriers for high-achieving women. Through therapy work you can begin to learn to name and release fears of falling behind, being unprepared, or failing.

5. We work through the childhood patterns that fuel nighttime overthinking

The roots of nighttime anxiety are often deeper than daily stress, and we work through patterns and beliefs learned in childhood and adolescence.

You’re Not Alone - And Nothing About This Makes You “Too Much”

If your nights feel louder than your days, that doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means your body is trying to catch up to everything you had to push through just to get here. Your mind spirals because it learned to protect you. Your nervous system activates because it is trying to keep you safe. Your thoughts feel loud because you’ve had so little space to hear yourself during the day.

You deserve rest that isn’t a battle.

If you’re ready to explore therapy - at your own pace and in a way that feels personalized - I’m here to support you through Anxiety Therapy for High-Achievers.

Why High-Achieving Women Feel Anxious Even When Life Looks “Fine”

If someone looked at your life from the outside, they might assume you’re doing great. You’re the one who gets things done. You keep everything (and everyone) afloat. You anticipate needs before anyone says them out loud. You plan, you prepare, you follow through.

But internally? Your mind doesn’t rest. Even when nothing is “wrong,” even when you’ve checked every box and returned every email, your mind is still problem solving.

This is the experience so many high-achieving women live with: life looks “fine,” yet anxiety is constantly going in the background.

As a psychologist who works primarily with high-performing, anxious women, I hear this story every day. Followed by some variation of “I feel like I don’t deserve to be anxious. There’s nothing wrong.”

Let’s talk about why this happens - and why it makes perfect sense that your mind and body feel this way.

The Hidden Pressure High-Achieving Women Carry

Many women learn early on that mistakes create tension, disappointment, or conflict, and they learn that becoming the “responsible” one in their family is the safest role for them.

If this resonates, you may have been the girl who:

• did everything “right”

• handled things before they became problems

• avoided creating a burden

• excelled at whatever you touched

• had no big needs of her own

You learned to manage not just your own emotions, but everyone else’s, too.

Fast forward to adulthood, and those once adaptive skills have become central to your sense of identity. These skills helped you earn promotions, respect, and a reputation for being dependable. Unfortunately, these same skills often have a downside:

You never stopped scanning for the next thing that might fall apart.

Because of this, high-achieving women often live with:

• chronic tension

• racing thoughts

• fear of letting others down

• a constant need to anticipate what might go wrong

• an internally demanding voice that never shuts up

Even if your external life is polished, orderly, and successful, your internal world may feel like a constant pressure system.

That pressure didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s learned, practiced, and reinforced over time - especially for women who grew up in environments where being “easy,” “successful,” or low-maintenance felt safer.

The High-Achiever Nervous System

While many people think of anxiety as racing thoughts or “what ifs,” anxiety is actually a deeply physiological experience. Women who have spent years pushing themselves often have nervous systems stuck in a chronic state of activation.

That activation shows up in subtle but persistent ways:

• a tight chest for no obvious reason

• difficulty fully relaxing

• jaw tension

• feeling on alert even during downtime

• the sense that “something is off” even when everything is fine

While it might feel like your nervous system is malfunctioning, it’s actually doing exactly what it’s designed to do. If you grew up in a home where being prepared kept you safe, your nervous system adapted, learning that slowing down or letting your hypervigilance down wasn’t an option.

When life finally becomes calm, stable, or “fine,” your nervous system doesn’t automatically adjust. Our bodies protect against threat, so it keeps its guard up, knowing that safety hasn’t historically been predictable.

This is likely why many high-achieving women tell me: “Every time things are going well, I get anxious.” They describe waiting “for the other shoe to drop” - their system is waiting for the next threat, because being overprepared feels better than the alternative - feeling caught off guard.

Anxiety in Disguise: The Signs High-Achievers Often Miss

When most people imagine anxiety, they picture panic attacks, spiraling thoughts, or obvious emotional overwhelm. But in high-achieving women, anxiety often wears a very different outfit (though panic attacks and spiraling thoughts can definitely make an appearance).

Here are signs I see regularly that often go unrecognized:

1. Overthinking every detail

You might create mental spreadsheets for things other people don’t think twice about. This could look like:

• replaying conversations

• anticipating future conflict

• mentally preparing for outcomes that are unlikely but feel urgent

• rehearsing performance or interactions

Your mind stays in motion - even when nothing urgent is happening, your ten steps ahead.

2. Difficulty Resting 

You might sit on the couch intending to relax, and within five minutes you’re:

• reorganizing your email folders

• mentally doing tomorrow’s to-do list

• wondering if you missed a deadline

• trying to “make rest productive”

Rest doesn’t feel restful because your nervous system isn’t slowing down with you.

3. Over-Functioning as a Default

You might jump into planning mode, leadership mode, or fix-it mode as soon as a perceived “problem” arises. Maybe you’re the one people rely on to “figure things out.” This all adds to building pressure of being the go-to person.

4. Emotional Compartmentalizing

You might be really good at keeping it together in most circumstances - too good, sometimes. High-achieving women often learn to push their emotions aside because they feel “too much” or like their emotions are inconvenient or get in the way.

How Anxiety Shows Up in Day-to-Day Life

High-achievers often experience anxiety first in the body, then in their behavior and their mind. You might recognize some of these patterns:

Physical Signs

• muscle tightness

• feeling keyed-up or easily startled

• fatigue that doesn’t match your output

• tension headaches

• GI issues

• difficulty taking a full breath

Behavioral Signs

• speed-walking through your day

• excessive planning or research

• irritability masked as “being efficient”

• shutting down when overwhelmed

Emotional Signs

• guilt for wanting rest

• fear of disappointing others

• feeling disconnected from your own needs

• trouble identifying what you actually want

Anxiety can end up feeling like a constant background buzz in your life, demanding you “stay alert” at all times.

Why Life Being “Fine” Doesn’t Turn Off the Anxiety

One of the biggest questions women come into therapy with is: “Nothing bad is happening. Why am I still anxious?”

Intellectually knowing you’re “okay” doesn’t always translate to your nervous system. Your nervous system operates by patterns - and thanks to evolution, self-protection is the top priority in choosing which pattern to focus on.

For women with high-functioning anxiety, the pattern may have been:

• “Being prepared keeps me safe.”

• “Being perfect prevents conflict.”

• “Doing more keeps me valued.”

• “Rest means vulnerability or punishment.”

Your body responds to the history of your experiences, not the present alone. So even if your adult life is stable, supportive, and objectively “good,” your internal world may be preparing for the next roadbump.

Rather than convincing yourself you “should feel fine” or telling yourself you’re wrong for having anxiety, healing is about helping your nervous system recognize when it can rest.

How Therapy Supports High-Achieving Women

Therapy isn’t about removing anxiety - it’s about understanding why it exists and learning how to navigate life’s ebbs and flows. Sometimes anxiety will be part of that, and we want your system to learn that it can downshift and upshift as necessary.

Here’s a few ways that therapy helps:

1. We slow down the internal pressure system.

You learn to notice tension and regulate your nervous system so your body isn’t running at Level 10 all the time.

2. We work with parts of you that fear failure.

Perfectionism and over-functioning usually come from protective parts of you that learned to keep you safe. Therapy helps these parts update their roles so they’re not carrying everything alone.

3. We untangle the “shoulds.”

You start identifying what you want - separate from what you were taught to want or do.

4. We build a different definition of safety.

Not the safety of preparation or perfection - but internal safety and trust in yourself, built from clarity, groundedness, and emotional agency.

5. We create sustainable habits instead of survival strategies

You learn to:

• rest without guilt

• set boundaries without spiraling

• make decisions without overthinking

• feel feelings without getting lost in them

Therapy isn’t about telling you to be less ambitious or capable, or about wiping your anxiety out entirely. It’s about helping you stop carrying everything and living on high-alert.

You’re Not “Too Sensitive.” You’re Not “Overreacting.” You’re Not Broken.

If you’re noticing these patterns in yourself and want support shifting them, therapy can help you reconnect with the parts of you that have been pressured, overwhelmed, or ignored for far too long. Read more about Anxiety Therapy for High-Achieving Women.

If you're ready to explore what that could look like, you’re welcome to reach out and book a 15-minute consultation call, ask questions, or begin therapy when the timing feels right for you.

What Is Sexual Trauma? The Psychological and Somatic Impact

You might have thought about “sexual trauma” as something out of Law & Order: SVU - extreme, physically aggressive, and “obviously” traumatic to an outsider. In reality, sexual trauma is a violation of personal autonomy and control in a sexual manner. What defines sexual trauma is your system's response, not how extreme it looks from the outside.

Sexual trauma can look like freezing when you thought you would fight back; it can look like going along with something because “no” didn’t feel safe. Everyone’s experience and response can look different - your response is about coping with what happened, in a way that is unique to you.

Understanding what happens in both your mind and your body during and after sexual trauma and nonconsensual experiences can make your healing process feel less confusing, less lonely, and actually possible.

What Counts as Sexual Trauma?

In psychological terms, trauma is defined as an experience that your system is unable to process in the moment. For sexual trauma, this includes any unwanted sexual experiences, manipulation, boundary violation, or nonconsensual act. It also can include situations where you weren’t able to fully consent, including being under the influence, frozen, or emotionally manipulated. Our systems cope with various approaches, including fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and flop. None of these constitute true “consent.”

Many survivors hesitate to use the word “trauma,” describing “gray area” experiences, minimizing the harm they experienced because it doesn't fit media portrayals. However, sexual trauma is often much less extreme in reality than what we see in the media. The fact that it often occurs behind closed doors contributes to the lack of awareness and recognition of what sexual trauma actually looks like in the real world.

The Psychological Impact of Sexual Trauma

To understand the psychological impact of sexual trauma and nonconsensual experiences, it’s important to remember that the brain’s number one job is to keep you alive. Because of this, it can be hard to understand from a purely logical place - before and after sexual trauma, the “logical” part of your brain (your pre-frontal cortex) defers to the survival parts.

Survivors might be familiar with one, multiple, or all of the following experiences - they’re all ways that the brain tries to use survival responses to regain control following the trauma.

Hypervigilance after sexual trauma

Hypervigilance refers to feeling constantly on alert and scanning your environment for changes (i.e., danger, according to your survival brain). When your system hasn’t processed what happened to you, it prepares itself for constant threats in your environment - all in an effort to protect you. This can look like feeling jumpy, having trouble sleeping, or overanalyzing interactions.

Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks after sexual trauma

You might experience thoughts or memories coming into your mind following trauma that feel intrusive. They may interrupt entirely unrelated situations, sometimes triggered by sounds, smells or body sensations that feel distantly familiar to the trauma. In their more intense form, this can look like memories that feel like they’re happening now, rather than during the trauma. Survivors often describe this as disorienting or distressing before understanding what is happening. 

Shame & self-blame following sexual trauma

Shame and self-blame is incredibly common following sexual trauma and nonconsensual experiences. Many survivors ask themselves “why didn’t I stop it,” or “did I lead them on?” They also minimize their trauma while firsthand experiencing trauma symptoms, calling themselves “dramatic” for their posttraumatic reactions. In reality, shame is a symptom of trauma. It’s your brain’s attempt to make meaning or take back a sense of control. If you believe it was your fault, then you feel able to protect yourself in the future - you feel a sense of control, in theory. In reality, self-blame often just leads to decreases in self-esteem and self-efficacy.

Avoidance & emotional numbing following sexual trauma

When something feels too big, or too painful, to face, we often subconsciously try to find ways to block it out. This could be avoiding reminders, such as people that you relate with the trauma. It could also look like staying busy to avoid downtime where you could think about it. It could also look like drinking, using substances, or finding another way to disconnect from your emotions. With the pressure to keep moving on in life, your mind uses their avoidance strategies to protect you from feeling overwhelmed.

At times, the mind can feel overwhelmed enough to resort to dissociation - this can feel like there is a distance between your mind and your self, or yourself and reality. Some survivors describe it as a fuzzy, distant feeling of nonreality (derealization), or a disconnect from themselves as a person (depersonalization). Others experience gaps in memory altogether. While this can feel disorienting and distressing, it is another protective strategy from your mind. Part of healing involves helping your body feel safe enough to be present in day to day life. 

Even if it feels like a betrayal, each of these experiences is your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe. 

The Somatic Impact of Sexual Trauma

You may have heard “the body keeps the score” (a reference to a book of the same name by Bessel van der Kolk). To understand the impact of sexual trauma and nonconsensual experiences on the body, we need to recognize that trauma is not just in your thoughts - it’s in your nervous system. When your body and mind feel overwhelmed by an experience, the body mobilizes energy in the form of survival responses - fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop. If that energy can’t be released (by screaming, running or pushing away), it gets stored in the body as unfinished activation. Over time, this shows up in the body, whether as chronic tension, digestive issues, or other physical experiences. 

Common physical symptoms of sexual trauma include:

• Muscle tension (e.g, in the jaw, neck, shoulders, or pelvis)

• Digestive issues (e.g., IBS) or nausea

• Sleep difficulties

• Feeling “numb” or detached from your body

• Difficulty tolerating touch, even from someone “safe”

• Moments of panic or dissociation without obvious triggers. 

In addition, the somatic impact of sexual trauma and nonconsensual experiences can show up when attempting to enter positive sexual and intimate relationships. The experience of touch and pleasure can feel unsafe for many survivors. While this can be incredibly frustrating, it is important to remember that this is not a sign that something is broken - it’s a sign your body remembers and is protecting you from potential harm. And it is possible to teach your body that you are safe and no longer in a threatening situation.

Somatic therapy and trauma-informed practices can help you complete the interrupted survival responses. Through these approaches, your nervous system can learn that it is safe to relax again. This happens through small moments as your body learns to soften rather than brace.

Why We Minimize or Question What Happened

Survivors often minimize their experiences or question whether what happened “really counts,” especially if physical force or violence wasn’t involved. This can happen due to both psychological defenses and societal pressures.

As discussed above, survivors often intellectualize their trauma to maintain a sense of control or to have a greater “understanding” of what happened. You may subconsciously believe that if you can convince yourself that it “wasn’t that bad”, or that it wouldn’t have happened if you “said no sooner,” you will feel safer in a world that suddenly feels more dangerous than you thought.

Societal and cultural messages about sexual trauma and consent can contribute to minimization and denial of what happened. Even in a post “me too” world, messages abound blaming women for what they wore or said and criticize women coming forward. There is often an underlying message in discourse around sexual trauma that if you can’t “prove” it, it didn’t happen, which dismisses the broad majority of sexual trauma. Furthermore, those raised as women are often taught to prioritize others’ comfort and “not make a scene.” This can be further intensified by the body’s protective instincts post-trauma, resulting in fewer and fewer women sharing their experience.

One reason the phrase “the body keeps the score” resonates with so many survivors is the truth that no matter what your mind tells you or that you try to tell yourself, your body’s responses following trauma tell the true story.

Healing Forward

Trauma doesn’t define who you are or what you can do - it’s the way your body learned to protect you when it wasn’t safe to feel. Healing and therapy isn’t about undoing that - it’s about helping your system learn that safety is possible again. 

Through somatic and parts work, you can begin to notice what calm feels like in your body and help your system understand that it can feel calm without repercussions or danger arising. You can begin to understand and care for the parts of you that carry conflicting experiences and pain through parts work. Throughout the process of therapy, you are supported in making choices guided by your values, rather than hypervigilance.

If you’re ready to begin reconnecting with safety and trust, therapy can help you begin at your own pace. To learn more about what this looks like and to get started, head to Therapy for Sexual Trauma and Nonconsensual Experiences.

Why High Achievers Often Struggle With Anxiety

On the outside, many high-achievers look like they have it all figured out: they might have a successful career, show impressive presentations at work, and show up reliably for their packed calendar. However, this “success” often comes with its fair share of anxiety and self-doubt.

In this post, we’ll explore why high achievers often struggle with anxiety - from personality traits to family dynamics, cultural pressures, and the hidden costs of success.

Personality Traits That Drive Both Success and Anxiety

The same traits that help high achievers thrive can also make them more vulnerable to anxiety. High-achievers tend to be conscientious, motivated, and detail-oriented - all traits that look great on paper but can easily tip over into perfectionism, overthinking, and self-criticism.

High-achievers’ tendency toward planning and anticipating problems can also lead to chronic hypervigilance and “what if” thinking, resulting in high levels of anxiety and feeling on edge. When you’re future- and detail-oriented, replaying conversations, double-checking emails, or thinking through every scenario can feel adaptive - until they’re not. The high-achieving logic goes: If I worry enough, I’ll avoid mistakes. But instead of reducing anxiety, this mindset keeps it alive - because there’s always something new to fix, optimize, or prove.

The ambition of high-achievers often means their attention is focused on the next thing, and they may struggle to feel proud of their accomplishments, always pushing the goal post farther or focusing on the next project or “to-do” item.

Family and Childhood Dynamics

Many high-achievers describe some level of anxiety since childhood, whether they were considered the “golden child,” the eldest daughter, or simply learned that their worth was tied to their performance.

• In the golden child narrative, a child may have been praised for being smart, responsible, or easygoing. If this is your experience, you may have learned that achievement was the best way to earn love and approval.

• Eldest children, particularly eldest daughters, often find themselves in a helping or responsible role. You may have learned to set the example, and that early pressure can quietly follow you throughout your life. 

• If you received praise primarily in response to performing well (e.g., in school, sports, or extracurriculars) you may have learned early on to equate your worth with how well you perform.

When you’ve grown up with these experiences, it makes sense that as an adult you may not feel safe slowing down or resting.

Cultural and Systemic Factors

Even outside of family dynamics, western culture often promotes overfunctioning and hyperproductivity.

• Workplaces: Workplaces often glorify hustle culture, with staying late being praised and boundaries being dismissed or even penalized.

• Gender roles: Modern social roles put expectations on both genders to excel at work and the home, with each receiving specific pressures to do it all “right.”

• Social media: Social media provides a constant “highlight reel” of everyone else’s lives, creating an illusion of perfection through curated posts.

Systemic pressures constantly communicate a message of “more,” leading high achievers continually to try to reach the elusive “enough.”

How Achievement Masks Anxiety

Despite managing all of these pressures, high-achievers tend to display a front of, well, achievement. They function well on the outside, so any distress is easily overlooked. They actually may receive praise for the very overfunctioning that is driving their anxiety, which can reinforce the cycle and make it harder to stop or ask for support.

In addition, it can be hard for the person themselves to reconcile the coexistence of mental distress and external success. The cognitive dissonance often leads to self-doubt and dismissing their struggle. This keeps them from seeking support even as pressure continues to build.

The Hidden Costs

Living with high-functioning anxiety often comes at a price:

• Burnout: Chronic hypervigilance and stress can slowly deplete your body and mind, leaving you in a state of burnout.

• Health problems: Prolonged anxiety can lead to sleep issues, digestive problems, headaches, and immune system problems.

• Strained relationships: When you’re constantly performing, it can become harder and hard to make room for true connection and intimacy.

• Lack of fulfillment: When you’re used to doing it all, it can be hard to differentiate what matters to you personally. In addition, when success only leads to more pressure, you may start to feel empty or numb in the face of accomplishment.

While it may look like thriving, high achievers may feel like they are barely getting by on the inside.

From Awareness to Support

If this experience sounds familiar, you’ve probably been carrying a heavy load. Your anxiety isn;t a weakness - you’ve clearly adapted for longer than is sustainable. You’ve adapted this far, 

If you found yourself nodding along with these descriptions, you may wonder what life would even look like without this pressure. When you’ve adapted to the pressure for so long, the idea of change can feel disorienting. Noticing and acknowledging the impact is a huge first step. There’s support when you’re ready - explore Therapy for Perfectionism & Anxiety in High-Achieving Women to see how therapy can help you untangle ambition from anxiety, or learn more about What Is High-Functioning Anxiety?

Best Therapy Approaches for Perfectionism and Anxiety

If you’ve ever thought, “I should be able to figure this out on my own,” you’re not alone. Many high-achieving women minimize their struggles, saying they’re “fine,” because on the outline, they’re still functioning - showing up to work, hitting deadlines, and keeping relationships together. But on the inside, perfectionism and anxiety are getting harder to manage.

There’s no one “right” therapy for perfectionism and anxiety, but some approaches can work better than others, especially for high-achievers. Let’s walk through some of the most effective therapy approaches to work with perfectionism and anxiety, talking about both their strengths and weaknesses.

First: Why Perfectionism is Hard to Treat

On the surface, perfectionism doesn't always look like a problem - in fact, it often gets rewarded. 

Here are a few reasons perfectionism gets tricky:

• People minimize their struggle. They think, “If I’m still functioning, do I really need help?”

• Ambition and anxiety can be tricky to untangle. It can feel like anxiety is the only thing driving you forward.

• External validation reinforces the cycle. The world often praises the very behaviors that leave you exhausted.

Treating perfectionism isn’t about removing your ambition or drive - it’s actually about separating your true goals from the fear that you’ll never measure up if you slow down or make a mistake.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Perfectionism

You may have already heard of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. It’s one of the most well-known therapy approaches for a good reason - and it has limitations.

Strengths of CBT for Perfectionism: CBT can help you identify distorted thinking (e.g, all-or-nothing thinking like, “If I have a typo in my post, it’s trash and I’m a failure) and challenge it. A therapist using CBT might help you replace these thinking patterns with more balanced perspectives. It can be an incredible tool for noticing perfectionistic all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, and unrealistic standards. It can also be helpful in developing day to day coping skills. 

Limitations of CBT for Perfectionism: One critique of traditional CBT is that it can sometimes stick to surface concerns rather than delving into underlying belief systems. Perfectionism isn’t just a “thinking error” - it’s often tied to deeper identity issues, past experiences, and nervous system patterns. Many high-achievers know their thoughts are irrational and often get caught in a cycle of correcting their own thoughts to be “better,” while still feeling the pressure of perfectionism.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Perfectionism

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT, said as one word) is an approach that focuses on values-based living and tolerating discomfort rather than avoiding it. In practice, this looks like, rather than getting rid of or challenging anxious thoughts, acting in alignment with your values even when you’re uncomfortable (e.g., giving the speech even when you’re anxious).

This can be particularly helpful for high-achievers. It helps you recognize the cost of spending all your energy pushing down emotions or numbing them with busyness. Instead of focusing on perfection, ACT invites you to ask yourself what you value (e.g., connection, creativity, compassion) and how you can move in line with those values, even if it’s imperfect. It can help you pivot toward what matters rather than away from discomfort. 

Parts Work & Internal Family Systems (IFS) for Perfectionism

In parts work, we name the seemingly conflicting parts of your system (e.g, the part that says you need to clean AND the part desperate to lay down and avoid responsibilities). In this model, the perfectionist is one part among many. It recognizes that this part is helpful in many ways and has a job, and it helps you relate to this part with curiosity and compassion, rather than feeling dragged around by it.

For many women with high-functioning anxiety, this can be incredibly freeing. Rather than feeling caught up in “why am I like this?” parts work helps you notice the parts coming up -  judgmental part, the perfectionistic part, and any other parts - and recognize the role each one plays for you. This reduces inner conflict and noise and can create space for true motivation and alignment.

Mindfulness and Somatic Approaches for Perfectionism

Many perfectionists associate mindfulness with the meditation habit they couldn’t get on board with. In reality, mindfulness and somatic approaches are so much more. When you’re in your head all the time, it’s easy to cut off awareness of what your body is doing until it’s screaming at you through insomnia, digestive issues, or other health difficulties.

Mindfulness and somatic approaches to therapy help you tune into the body, first noticing what its responses are, then actually learning to regulate your nervous system and slowly turn the dial down from always being on high alert.

As hard as you may have tried, you can’t think your way out of a chronically activated nervous system. This is experiential work, and somatic (body-based) approaches and mindfulness practices can help you actually feel safe, not just try to convince your mind you’re “fine.”

Integrative Therapy for Perfectionism and Anxiety

In reality, most people benefit from a blend of approaches. One is not necessarily better than another, and no single model addresses every layer of the complexity that is present in perfectionism (not to mention that perfectionism is going to look different for each person). Combining multiple approaches and personalizing them to your specific needs is at the core of an integrative approach.

For example, an integrative approach might:

• Use CBT skills to help you catch distorted thoughts in the moment

• Help you make values-based choices through ACT

• Explore your perfectionist parts through IFS

• Give you somatic tools to navigate discomfort as anxiety comes and goes

An integrative approach tailors therapy to you, rather than fitting you in a model of therapy. It also takes your current context, past experiences, and culture into the equation.

What to Look for in a Therapist

Looking for a therapist can feel overwhelming. It can help to find a therapist who:

• Understands the dynamics of high-functioning anxiety and won’t minimize it because you’re “doing fine” or have “great insight.”

• Balances compassion with challenge, creating a safe space while also nudging you toward growth.

• Work collaboratively, taking your insight and experience into account rather than assuming they know best.

• Integrates your own self, not just your “problems” or “symptoms,” in order to help you build a sustainable, values-driven life that you actually want.

• Validates your drive while helping you find healthier ways to channel it.

The biggest predictor of therapeutic success is the relationship between the therapist and client, so I encourage you to take your time and talk to different people to see who “gets” you. It’s worth it.

The Takeaway

There’s no single “best” therapy approach for perfectionism and anxiety, but there are approaches that are especially effective for high-achievers. Here’s the thing - you don’t have to know which approach is “right” before starting therapy. A good therapist will work with you to find what works best for you and your system. 

If you’re curious about these approaches in practice, learn more about Therapy for Perfectionism and Anxiety in High-Achieving Women and how therapy can help you move from performance to peace.

Coping Strategies for Perfectionism and Anxiety (That Actually Work)

If you identify as a perfectionist, I can imagine you may have been told to just “relax” or “let it go.” And maybe you want to - maybe you fantasize about life being easier if you just didn’t care as much. In reality, it’s not that easy - both because perfectionism and anxiety have served you and can be a sort of superpower, and because “coping” often turns into a perfectionism loop itself, finding “better” and more “efficient” ways to deal with… well, yourself.

In this post, I’ll break down the coping strategies that don’t work, including why they backfire, along with ones that can actually help you turn down the dial on anxiety and perfectionism. 

Why Coping Strategies Matter

Perfectionism has a lot of plus sides. And, if you’re here, I’m guessing you’ve either experienced firsthand, or seen in someone close to you, how anxiety and perfectionism feed off of each other. Perfectionism sets up the standards, and anxiety reminds you constantly of the need to meet them and avoid failing. In this case, coping strategies are used to interrupt the cycle. They help you slow down, soften your inner critic’s voice, and create breathing room so that you have a sense of agency in your actions.

Unmanaged perfectionism and anxiety can lead quickly to burnout, and resentment in your relationships - with the right coping tools, you can shift to moving through life from a steady, sustainable place instead.

Popular Strategies That Don’t Work Long-Term

Perfectionists can be great at finding and developing coping strategies - they’re just not always the most helpful or effective in the long term. Let’s talk about a few of them.

1. Overpreparing and over-researching: If you just learn more and do more to make sure everything goes a certain way, the anxiety will go down…right? Unfortunately, instead of reducing anxiety, overpreparing and over-researching often feeds it. Anxiety says, if one more hour helps, then three more must be better.

2. People pleasing to avoid conflict: This might make everyone else happy, but in the long term it breeds overwhelm and resentment (which then become something else to “fix).

3. Numbing with busyness, scrolling, or alcohol: Keeping busy 24/7 can look “productive,” but in reality it's constantly keeping you from resting. When you do try to rest? Enter in scrolling or substance use in the name of “downtime,” when, if you’re honest with yourself, it's often more avoidance motivated.

4. Toxic positivity: Telling yourself to be grateful doesn't get rid of anxiety - it actually often adds guilt and shame on top and gives you another part of yourself to “fix.”

Don’t get me wrong - these strategies all provide short-term relief. They often look really functional and productive, and you may actually get praise for your ability to be so “organized.” Unfortunately, the benefits don’t last in the long term.

Coping Strategies that Actually Work

So let’s talk about some strategies that actually make a difference. Again, we aren’t getting rid of perfectionism - we’re just taking back the steering wheel so you can choose when to utilize it.

Mindfulness Practices

This is not about an hour long meditation practice. Mindfulness can look like pausing for 30 seconds and notice your breath or how your body feels. Try spending a moment looking around, moving both your eyes and your head - this triggers an evolutionary response to calm the nervous system and return to the present moment. Mindfulness practices can help you zoom out and notice “Oh I’m spiraling,” instead of getting swept up in the spiral itself.

Values-Based Decision Making

Instead of trying to make the “right” or “perfect” decision, let’s try something different. Ask yourself which decision feels more aligned. Using your values (e.g., compassion, curiosity, authenticity) as a compass can help make decisions feel clearer and less fear-driven. 

Self-Compassion Exercises

Bear with me - I know self-compassion can feel off-putting when you’re used to pushing yourself. It can feel like if you’re compassionate with yourself, you’ll let yourself go and not get anything done. In reality, self-compassion doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook - it means both understanding, kindness, and accountability. It can look like talking to yourself like you would a friend. Fun fact - it actually can help you bounce back from setbacks faster than self-criticism ever could.

Somatic Regulation

Somatic regulation refers to regulating your body and nervous system. Quick grounding techniques like pushing your hands on top of your head, doing a breathing exercise, or stretching out tense muscles actually signal safety to your nervous system, allowing you to get back in the driver's seat.

Flexible Routines

Perfectionists often have a love and hate relationship with routines. On one hand, they’re incredibly regulating and provide predictability and a sense of control. On the other hand, they can feel rigid and pressured, or you might feel extremely thrown off when something changes. Flexible routines let you keep consistency without the all-or-nothing aspect. This can look like journaling one line, or doing five minutes of exercise, instead of skipping entirely. It involves doing 20% of the habit or scheduled task, rather than feeling compelled to either finish it entirely or skip it.

Coping in Real Life

So what does this actually look like in real life? I’m glad you asked (or I imagine you did). Let’s look at how this looks in a few scenarios.

Example 1: Relationship Conflict

• Old way: You people-please in the moment to avoid discomfort, and then replay the conversation endlessly afterward, silently simmering in a mix of resentment and self-judgment

• New option: In the moment, you use a grounding breath to pause, you connect to your values (e.g., I value honesty, even when it feels awkward), and let go of needing to say everything perfectly.

Example 2: Procrastination

• Old way: You avoid starting a task until you have the “perfect” plan, then feel rushed last minute, spending all night working on it and not being present for other parts of your life.

• New option: You notice the urge to avoid starting, and you decide to take one small step, even if it feels messy or you know you’ll “have to go back and fix it.” Recognize the progress one step at a time.

When Coping Isn’t Enough

These are all helpful skills, and it’s important to recognize that when you have been practicing a certain skill set (perfectionism) for decades, it’s hard to introduce shifts to this, no matter how small. In addition, there are often deeper roots to perfectionism and anxiety that won’t be addressed by day-to-day coping.

If you notice the same patterns repeating, and if the perfectionist voice says “no thank you” to each and every shift you try, it might be time for deeper support. Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or another source of support, create space to explore the roots of perfectionism and establish long-term safety over temporary coping.

Next Steps for Coping With Perfectionism and Anxiety

Coping with perfectionism and anxiety isn’t about finding the “perfect” strategy or doing everything “right.” In fact, that’s often just another perfectionist trap that keeps you stuck. What actually helps is learning simple, sustainable tools you can use on tired, messy, and imperfect days, rather than doing it all or giving up.

The most effective coping strategies meet you where you are, not where your inner critic says you “should” be. It might be taking one slow breath (not a twenty (or five) minute meditation), or taking a quick stretch break at your desk.

If you’re ready to go beyond just coping and want support in untangling perfectionism and anxiety at the root, learn more about Therapy for Perfectionism and Anxiety in High-Achieving Women.

How Perfectionism Affects Mental Health

At first glance, perfectionism seems like the kind of productive “weakness” you cite in a job interview when asked about strengths and weaknesses. Your friends might remark on how “put together” you are, and maybe your professors and bosses have commented on your attention to detail. But there’s a hidden cost behind the glowing reviews.

Let’s talk about how perfectionism can impact your mental health: how it can fuel anxiety and affect your body, why high-achievers often struggle with it, and how therapy can help you find balance.

What Perfectionism Really Is

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like red pen corrections or alphabetized bookshelves. Sometimes it looks like lying awake at 2 a.m. replaying an email you sent earlier that day. Or spending three hours on a task that should have taken twenty minutes because you couldn’t stop tweaking it. Perfectionism is more than liking things neat and striving for excellence - it often sneaks into your sense of self-worth, tying it to your performance and ability to get things right. While motivating to a degree, your standards also may leave you anxious and exhausted.

In her book The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control (2023), Katherine Morgan Schafler identifies five types of perfectionism, which can show up for the same person in different contexts and relationships. These types include:

1. Classic perfectionism - These may be what you traditionally think of with perfectionism - reliable, detail-oriented individuals with high standards, who may struggle with changes or spontaneity.

2. Intense perfectionism - Folks with this type of perfectionism have high standards and are direct and passionate about achieving goals. They can be critical of both themselves and others and may neglect their health and relationships in pursuit of goals.

3. Parisian perfectionism - People showing Parisian perfectionism are often driven by a sort of relational perfectionism. They care about how they are perceived by others and can tend toward people-pleasing in relationships.

4. Procrastinator perfectionism - This type of perfectionism shows up in preparation for tasks - these folks can be excellent at preparing but can struggle with indecisiveness and inaction.

5. Messy perfectionism - Folks showing messy perfectionism often excel at new beginnings and starting new projects. These folks may spread themselves too thin with different projects, often having difficulty actually staying focused on their goals after the initial phase of excitement.

Folks often experience a mix of these different types of perfectionism, and they show up in different ways in different relationships and situations.

The Link Between Perfectionism and Anxiety

Studies consistently show a strong overlap between perfectionism and anxiety. When self-worth depends on performance, every task, interaction, and project carries extra weight of defining not just your abilities, but your worth.

This leads to a pattern of hypervigilance - you scan for mistakes, overthink decisions, and prepare beyond what is necessary, making it perfect to prevent the dreaded catastrophe that anxiety has told you is possible. While a level of anxiety is healthy and helpful, perfectionism aggravates this, making any small preparation “not enough” to prevent the threat.

The perfectionist mindset amplifies anxious thinking, and anxious thinking, in turn, reinforces perfectionist habits - saying, yes, that makes sense to do that, to protect yourself - creating a loop that can feel endless, and honestly, exhausting. And it can feel impossible to step off the treadmill without support.

Perfectionism and Physical Health

Perfectionism tricks you into believing you’re just “pushing through.” But when you’re constantly pushing yourself, your nervous system is on high-alert. You’re constantly prepared for a threat, and over time this stress response can create real physical issues. 

This can show up as:

• Trouble falling or staying asleep

• Jaw clenching, headaches, or TMJ

• Digestive issues that flare under stress

• Constant fatigue, even after rest

• Long term risks like immune suppression and cardiovascular strain

If you’ve ever had the thought, “Maybe if I just push a little harder, I’ll finally feel better,” while your body screams for rest - that might be perfectionism talking. Your body cannot sprint forever.

Why High-Achievers Feel Perfectionism the Most

High-achieving women often carry high levels of perfectionism. Many grew up as the “golden child” - praised for being smart, responsible, or reliable. Achievement wasn’t a bonus - it was the ticket to feeling safe and loved.

As adults, this can turn into:

• Pushing yourself harder than anyone asked you to

• Feeling like everything will fall apart unless you hold it together

• Taking on too much at work because “no one else will do it right” or “it’s just easier if I do it.”

• Struggling to rest without feeling guilty

• Being hyper-independent and struggling to trust others

And of course, our culture doesn’t help. Hustle culture rewards overworking, and women are often expected to juggle work, home, relationships, and self-care while looking effortless doing it.  It’s no wonder so many high-achievers feel like they’re drowning while everyone else calls them “impressive.”

Why It’s Hard to Let Go of Perfectionism

If perfectionism is so exhausting, why is it so hard to stop?

1. Belief it’s the reason for your success: “I got here because of perfectionism - if it let it go, I’ll lose my edge,” “If I stop pushing, I’ll fall behind,”

2. Systemic reinforcement: workplaces, schools, and even families often praise perfectionistic behavior without recognizing the toll on the individual

3. Internal conflict/safety: Part of you knows it’s unsustainable, but another part clings to it because it feels like safety.

4. Identity: Perfectionism can feel like more than a habit - it can feel like your identity.

This is why simple advice like “just lower your standards” doesn’t work. Perfectionism is deeply tied to identity and self-worth. It takes deeper work to untangle.

Therapy for Perfectionism

Therapy isn’t about making you less ambitious or telling you to “just stop caring.” It’s about creating space where you can finally separate the part of you that wants growth from the part of you that’s constantly running on fear.

In therapy, you begin learning to trust yourself again. Perfectionism can convince you that if you’re not triple-checking everything, you’ll drop the ball or make a mistake. In therapy, we start rebuilding that inner trust. Instead of asking, “what will people think?” the focus shifts to, “what actually matters to me?” This shift toward your own values can help make decisions feel less pressured and more grounded.

Therapy also helps you keep your drive without letting fear run the show. Ambition isn’t the problem - fear is. In therapy, we work together to untangle the part of you that thrives on meaningful goals from the part that says you have to be perfect.

Over time, perfectionism becomes less of the driver and more of a backseat passenger. It’s not about banishing perfectionism altogether, but taking its feedback into consideration and deciding how to move forward from a grounded place.

Moving Forward - Now What?

While perfectionism has its benefits and can be culturally praised, its effects on mental health can be significant. It can fuel anxiety and impact physical health, and for high-achievers it can keep you stuck in cycles of burnout. 

The good news is that, despite what it might feel like today, perfectionism isn’t your identity. It’s a set of habits and beliefs you learned to survive and succeed. With support you can learn new ways of living that support your ambition without the constant pressure of never feeling like “enough.”

👉 If you recognize yourself here, you don’t have to keep running on fumes. Learn more about Therapy for Perfectionism & Anxiety in High-Achieving Women and how support can help you create a steadier, more sustainable way forward.

What is High-Functioning Anxiety?

You may have heard the phrase “high-functioning anxiety” floating around on Instagram, or on a podcast, or maybe even in a conversation with friends. Despite not being a clinical diagnosis, it’s a term that resonates for many people, especially women who look like they’re excelling but secretly feel a steady hum of general “not okay-ness” in the background.

If this is you, you may look capable, driven, and reliable from the outside. People know they can count on you. What they don’t see are the constant overthinking, the tossing and turning in bed, and the exhaustion of keeping up. This is why people use the phrase “high-functioning anxiety” - it gives language to the experience of living with persistent anxiety while still keeping everything afloat.

Let’s talk about what it actually is, what it looks like day to day, why it gets unnoticed, myths that surround it, and how therapy can help.

So, What Is High-Functioning Anxiety?

While it’s not a diagnosis you’ll find in the DSM (the diagnostic manual most therapists use), it’s becoming a widely used way of describing a certain experience of anxiety. High-functioning anxiety describes the experience of having the classic symptoms of anxiety while also maintaining jobs, relationships, and responsibilities. Folks with high-functioning anxiety are “functioning” in the sense that their lives look put together, or even look successful.

Importantly, the “high-functioning” part can be deceptive - it might make it seem less serious or more manageable, while in reality, these individuals are often experiencing high levels of anxiety while pushing themselves harder and harder to keep up appearances. 

Common Signs of High-Functioning Anxiety

High-functioning anxiety often shows up in subtle ways that don’t raise alarms to others, and often not even to yourself.

Cognitive and Emotional Signs

• Overthinking conversations, interactions, decisions, etc. (e.g., “Did I sound too harsh in that text?” / “Should I have added more exclamation points so they know I’m not mad?”)

• Playing out every possible scenario before making a move

• Repetitive worry about letting others down or disappointing them

• Procrastinating not out of laziness, but because of wanting things to be perfect

• Difficulty celebrating wins and achievements

Physical Signs

• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

• Jaw clenching, headaches, muscle tension

• Digestive issues related to stress

• Restlessness and difficulty relaxing until exhausted

Behavioral Signs

• Automatically saying yes, even when your plate is full

• Overpreparing for small tasks (e.g., “I’ll make three versions, just in case)

• Double and triple-checking work, to-do lists, etc

These signs can be easy to miss, both due to not looking like a full freeze, “can’t get out of bed” level of anxiety, as well as their pervasiveness - people with high-functioning anxiety have often experienced it for a long time, with symptoms slowly getting worse or more intense.

Why High-Functioning Anxiety is Hard to Recognize

One of the most frustrating, and often confusing, parts of high-functioning anxiety is how invisible it can be. From the outside, you might be praised for being organized, ambitious, or dependable, while on the inside you’re living in a constant state of tension, wondering if this is normal.

Three reasons high-functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed:

1. If you live in a culture that prioritizes productivity, then hustling, multitasking, and “pushing-through” are often glorified. Overworking is seen as a sign of passion, rather than anxiety or chronic stress. You’re praised for “going above and beyond,” even when it costs you sleep, weekends, and your own sanity.

2. Many people downplay their own anxiety. If you’re performing well, it can feel easier to convince yourself it’s not “serious enough” to ask for help or tell others. You may think, “other people have it worse, I shouldn’t complain.”

3. The toll on the individual is more internal, while the success is external, so others don’t see the cost. Others see the degree, the promotion, or how you show up reliably, not the toll it takes on your body, sleep, and self-worth.

Because of this, high-functioning anxiety can be incredibly isolating, which leads people to not reach out for help even more. You may feel at your wits end while also feeling hesitant to call it anxiety because it doesn’t match the stereotypes you’ve seen on TV.

Myths About High-Functioning Anxiety

Let’s talk about a few myths about high-functioning anxiety.

Myth: If you’re functioning, it’s not that serious.

False. Functioning on the outside can often look very different internally. Just because you can’t see the progression of symptoms on the outside doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Many people with high-functioning anxiety are holding it together internally while feeling one step away from unraveling.

Myth: It’s just stress. Everyone feels this way.

False. Stress comes and goes. Anxiety lingers and shows up even when there isn’t a clear stressor. It may worsen during stressful times, but it colors daily life regardless.

Myth: Anxiety helps you be successful.

While anxiety can fuel productivity in the short term, chronic anxiety is not sustainable and leads to burnout and health issues. Short-term anxiety is not a problem, but high-functioning anxiety is often chronic and can slowly chip away at your well-being.

Myth: Therapy is only for people who can’t cope.

Just because you’re coping doesn’t mean you’re “fine.” Therapy isn’t about coping, it’s about finding healthier, more sustainable ways forward that align with what matters to you, not just escaping anxiety.

The Impact of High-Functioning Anxiety Over Time

Whether high-functioning or not, anxiety can wear you down over time. This might look like slowly feeling more disconnected from what matters to you and feeling more and more loneliness and isolation. It often leads to burnout, both at work and in relationships, which continues to erode your joy and self-worth.

Physically, over time chronic anxiety is linked to headaches, digestive problems, and more. These impacts often actually increase stress and anxiety, leading to a self-perpetuating cycle.

High-functioning anxiety also has a substantial strain on relationships. People with high-functioning anxiety often struggle with hyperindependence, difficulty trusting others, or people-pleasing that leads them feeling resentful or isolated.

Maybe you’ve noticed yourself snapping at your partner for small things, or canceling plans with friends because you’re too drained to socialize. Or maybe you secretly fantasize about getting sick just so you’d have a valid reason to rest.

It’s not that high-functioning anxiety means you’re doomed to these impacts, but if left unaddressed, “pushing through” every day tends to spiral into these bigger problems down the road. 

How Therapy Helps with High-Functioning Anxiety

The good news is that therapy is incredibly effective for high-functioning anxiety. It can support you in:

• Slowing down and learning to pause

• Working with the body to recognize and regulate the physical signs of anxiety

• Separating self-worth from achievement by untangling your identity from your performance

• Creating coping strategies that work for you, rather than over-preparing and numbing out

• Building self-trust so that you can stop spiraling over decisions and seeking reassurance

• Providing a safe space to process without performing

Therapy isn’t about removing your ambition or drive. It’s about helping you move forward in ways that align with your values, rather than always trying to escape anxiety.

Moving Forward with Less Pressure

High-functioning anxiety is real. If you’ve recognized yourself in these descriptions, you’re not alone, and naming what you’re going through is a powerful step.

You don’t have to wait until you’re falling apart to get help - therapy can help you find a sense of steadiness and clarity, even while you continue to pursue your goals. 

If this resonates, learn more about Therapy for Perfectionism & Anxiety in High-Achieving Women and how support can make a difference.

What the Heck is a VIP Day/Therapy Intensive?

When I first heard about therapy intensives (what I now call VIP Days), I was skeptical. I was used to weekly therapy, where progress is made over time. At the same time, I had that continued experience of getting to 40 minutes in session and reaching a breakthrough point only to have 10 minutes to process it and close up the session (I do 50 minute sessions). So despite my skepticism, my curiosity was piqued. Now, doing them myself, I understand how powerful they can be.

I often think of pivot points in life - points when your choice on what to focus on determines things years down the road. This is what I believe VIP Days serve. They serve as a place where you interrupt the pattern of keeping busy and actually make space for yourself. It’s not about productivity or how many things we check off a list. It’s about having a safe place to be your full, emotional, messy self.

This is why my VIP Days are flexible. This isn’t about checking off “tried EMDR” on a healing to-do list. It’s about the space and permission you give yourself to not do what you’ve always done.

So what does this look like?

Often, when you know, you know. I’ve had folks tell me that when they needed an intensive, they knew they needed the space. So in addition to offering free consult calls, I also let you book your intensive right on my website. I’ll have you fill out some forms after, but you will know you have the spot for yourself. If you’re curious if it’s right for you, a consult call is always available and encouraged!

We meet for three hours. During that time, we’ll talk about what’s coming up and set an agenda together. This usually includes a period of open processing space followed by somatic approaches, parts work, or EMDR. Many people find it helpful to clarify their values and the direction they want to move in going forward. We’ll make concrete plans for integrating this into your life.

In a follow-up check in, we assess your experience following the VIP Day. You may feel confident in moving forward alone, or you may want to schedule weekly or monthly therapy sessions to follow up on what we’ve worked on. The choice is yours.

Curious about booking an intensive?

Read more here and scroll down to book, or click here to schedule a consultation.

It’s Normal to Need Space from People You Love

If you love someone, you want to be around them all the time… right? Yeah, no. In reality, a healthy amount of independence is essential for a relationship, whether it’s with family members, friends, or a romantic partner. 

This idea can be especially sticky for high achievers and former golden children, who are used to over-functioning and showing up for others and may feel guilt when they even notice their desire for space.

Where does this narrative come from?

This narrative is emphasized in many aspects of society (hello, rom-com movies), but I want to focus on how growing up in certain families can exacerbate this message. If you grew up in a family that emphasized certain caretaking roles or putting family above everything else, it was likely implied that more time with family was always a good thing. Fast forward to adulthood, and you may feel like you’re a bad person for needing space from friends, partners, and yes, family. 

Why this narrative doesn’t work.

This narrative of “If I love them, I should want to be with them all the time,” doesn’t hold water when it comes to real relationships. Both physical and emotional space are important and help maintain individuality. When you don’t have this, you’re at risk of codependency and enmeshment, which can result in you both feeling responsible for the other person’s mood, forgetting what you actually want or need separate from the other person, and feeling depleted and resentful. Love can get tangled up with emotional caretaking, approval seeking, or fear of abandonment. You’re no longer choosing closeness but feel like you have to maintain it.

Boundaries are important - not just a buzz word.

Boundaries are not just a buzz word. They are what make healthy connections possible. They allow for individuation, and being able to communicate your boundaries actually facilitates trust and closeness emotionally. When you are able to take space from a partner, you are able to come back with more capacity for listening, being present, and being curious with your partner.

Space isn’t about withdrawing love; it’s about protecting the conditions that allow love to grow. It gives each person time to regulate their nervous system, reconnect with their own self and needs, and bring fresh energy into the relationship.

If you fantasize about solo time more than you’d like to admit, start here:

• Schedule intentional solo time without over-explaining it.

• Notice when irritation comes up - it might actually be a sign you need space, not a sign the relationship is failing.

• Practice letting small pockets of distance exist - an evening apart, a weekend trip, a morning walk alone - without rushing to fill them.

It’s okay if you still have an uncomfortable feeling at the idea of space. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong - it’s a sign you were taught to equate closeness with constant contact. Unlearning that is uncomfortable. Let it be uncomfortable - a secure relationship can handle, and thrives on, healthy independence.

Why Can’t I Stop Overthinking My Decisions? (And How to Break the Spiral)

You’ve made the pros and cons list. You’ve asked friends for advice. You’ve thought about every possible outcome. And yet - you feel frozen. Let’s talk about what this is, and what this isn’t.

Overthinking isn’t being indecisive, it’s avoidance of uncertainty.

There’s a term for this: “intolerance of uncertainty.” When I first say that to my clients, they go “that’s me!” It fits their experience of feeling on edge when they don’t have a clear answer, or worse, when there is no “right” answer.

So, what does your brain do? It tries to find a way to have control.

Your brain believes:

“If I think hard enough, I’ll guarantee the perfect outcome.”

Unfortunately, no amount of analysis creates certainty. So, what do we do?

“Doing the work” isn’t about thinking harder - it's about building your tolerance for uncertainty.

Oof. I know, this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is how you start to build self-trust. Self-trust doesn’t mean confidence that you’re 100% sure - it means you can move forward even when you aren’t sure, and you know you have your own back.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to interrupt overthinking and address uncertainty head on:

• What’s most aligned with my values?

• What outcome can I live with, even if it’s not perfect?

• What would be good enough for now?

These questions won’t eliminate all uncertainty. They’re not meant to - they’re meant to help you see where your limits are with uncertainty and help you move forward.

Therapy helps build your tolerance for uncertainty (aka your ability to make decisions when the answer isn’t clear).

In therapy we practice:

• Identifying the real fears underneath your spiral

• Increasing your ability to tolerate uncertainty

• Rebuilding self-trust

We’re not aiming for perfect decisions (unfortunately, that’s the thing about uncertainty). We do work on building your ability to feel grounded even when you don’t know for sure. That’s what makes decision-making feel easier over time - not because life gets clearer, but because you trust yourself to handle the decisions in a way true to you.

Why Do I Need Other People’s Approval to Feel Good About Myself? (And How to Shift It)

You’ve know you shouldn’t need external validation. You know you should feel proud of yourself without someone clapping for you. And yet, the approval still feels very necessary, despite “knowing better.”

External Validation Was Your Survival Skill

For high-achieving women, external validation often started as being praised, approved of, or needed. By performing, excelling, and meeting expectations, you kept yourself safe from disapproval, criticism, and punishment (whether from parents, teachers, other adults or peers). 

As you grew up, this approval became equated with emotional safety. As long as you had a grade or job evaluation, you knew you were safe or not. But as an adult, this became more complicated - the absence of external validation can feel confusing and empty. Praise was outsourced all your life, so you might not even consider being proud of yourself. 

Which leaves your whole system wondering: ““Am I doing it right?” “Is this enough?”

The Goal Isn’t to Stop Caring — It’s to Stop Outsourcing

Let’s be real - we as humans are wired for connection, so you will care about others’ opinions. The work is to stop outsourcing your worth to those opinions and recognize that your worth isn’t dependent on others’ reactions.

Here are a few ways to build internal validation:

• Pause after small wins. “That felt aligned. That was enough.”

• Notice when you’re chasing approval over alignment.

• Expect discomfort. Internal validation takes practice because your system is wired for gold stars.

It might feel weird at first, but each time you do this, you’re rewiring your system to feel safe with you rather than needing outside input. Internal validation might feel quieter, and the dopamine spike may not be as high - but it is far more sustainable.

Why You Feel Guilty When Setting Boundaries (And How to Make it Easier)

So, you heard boundary setting is an important skill, or would help with your overwhelm, or would improve your relationships. What you may not have expected but how awkward and guilty they can make you feel. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong - it actually means you haven’t learned to tolerate boundary guilt (which makes sense, this is new!)

Guilt isn’t a sign you’re wrong - it’s a sign you’re doing something unfamiliar.

For high-achievers and recovering people-pleasers, boundaries can feel like conflict. You might think that it’s “making something out of nothing.” But if it was nothing, would it still be bothering you this much? Think about what you’re actually afraid of. For many people, its about how the other person might feel - will they be hurt? Disappointed? Angry? Even if you’ve thought this through are okay with how they feel, your nervous system might not be. 

When you’ve spent years keeping the peace, being reliable, and managing others’ emotions, your nervous system equates “saying no” with relational risk. Guilt and awkwardness can show up when your system is adjusting to a new pattern.

The First Step: Slow the Yes

Have you ever automatically responded yes to a request, only to resent it later? You might have even felt okay with it in the moment, but odds are, if you’re reading this, you may have not checked in with yourself before answering - “yes” can become a reflex when you’re used to achieving and people-pleasing.

When you’re learning to set boundaries, the most important thing is often having space to make a decision. You can check in with what you want and what works for your priorities in the situation. Then, you can let the other person know where you stand (e.g., whether you can help them, whether they can stay at your place, or whether you are coming to Christmas).

Instead of answering in real time, try:

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” or even “I’ll let you know!”

Buying yourself time allows your nervous system to chill out, not freak out that you’re going to lose a relationship, and step back and let your prefrontal cortex (aka decision making skill) get online. You interrupt the automatic yes long enough to consider what you actually want.

In therapy, we don’t just practice saying no - we practice sitting with the discomfort.

Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means this is new. Therapy helps you practice boundary skills and the emotions that come with them - so you can protect your energy without feeling like a terrible person.

How Do I Know If I Have Anxiety?

“Anxiety” is one of those words we throw around a lot. It's become shorthand for everything from stressing about an awkward email to full-blown emotional overwhelm. But what does it actually feel like? And when should you pay attention to it?

The truth is, anxiety doesn’t wear one face. For some, it shows up like a loud internal alarm: racing heart, chest tightness, the creeping feeling that something is definitely wrong (even if you can’t name what). For others, it’s a low-grade hum—persistent overthinking, always bracing for the next thing to go wrong, or the urge to fix, manage, and control everything within a 50-mile radius.

It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle. Like when your thoughts are running in circles trying to solve a problem that doesn’t actually exist yet. Or when you go to text someone back and suddenly feel paralyzed trying to say the “right” thing. Or when your day looks functional on paper, but inside, you feel like you're white-knuckling it through every conversation and task.

Clinically, we define anxiety as a problem when it causes significant distress or starts interfering with your life. For example, if you start skipping social plans, not because you don’t want to go, but because the idea of small talk sends you into a tailspin. Or if your workday involves staring at your screen for hours, accomplishing nothing, but feeling too frozen to move.

But here’s the thing - the term “anxiety” isn’t actually the important part. Labels can be helpful, but they aren’t everything. That’s why I talk more about overthinking, people-pleasing, perfectionism, burnout. Because often, that is anxiety—it just doesn’t show up in the way we expect. It looks like trying to be good enough all the time. Like needing control to feel safe. Like endlessly rehearsing conversations in your head.

So if you’re wondering whether you have anxiety, start here:

Are you feeling overwhelmed, even when things are “fine”?
Do you feel stuck in your head most of the time?
Are you constantly trying to keep everyone (and everything) around you okay?

You don’t need a diagnosis to deserve support. You just need to notice what’s getting in the way of the life you want—and be curious enough to ask, “what’s underneath this?”

Because whatever you call it, you’re not the only one feeling this way—and it doesn’t have to stay this hard.

What is “Spiraling” and How Do I Stop?

Have you heard the word “spiraling” when someone is talking about anxiety and wondered what they meant? Let’s talk about it.

Spiraling is the experience of having thoughts that loop and intensify.

It often starts with a completely reasonable worry, like “My partner is late getting home… I hope they’re okay,” which then evolves into more worries: “What if they got into a car crash?” “Should I call them?” “What if I call and they think I’m needy?” “What if something did happen and no one else is checking on them?”

It’s like your brain opened 14 tabs at once and none of them will stop auto-refreshing.

Unlike straight-up catastrophizing (which tends to leap to the worst-case scenario and plant itself there), spiraling loops through all the possible outcomes - including the meta-anxiety about having anxiety.

So, what do we do about spiraling?

In my work, I draw from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), which invites us to notice that we’re spiraling, not just get lost in it. The act of naming it - saying “spiraling” out loud or even in your head - can be weirdly effective. It helps create space between you and the thought, like you’re stepping out of the cycle for a second and looking at it from an outside perspective.

After noticing the different situations where spiraling shows up, you might start to notice themes - you might even come up with a label or nickname for it, like “overthinking radio.” The radio might be on in the background, and it may be annoying, but recognizing it as noise can give you clarity to decide how you want to move forward.

Maybe instead of calling your partner mid-spiral, you text: “Hey, just checking in. My brain started its dramatic monologue, and I know it’s probably fine. Just wanted to see when you’re heading back.” I encourage clients to share their coping strategies with their partner so that they can use humor together to handle stressors. Humor, when it’s mutual and gentle, can take the sharp edge off anxiety. Naming your brain’s habits together turns the spiral into something you can both laugh about later, instead of something that isolates you.

These approaches may seem simple, and honestly, it can be annoying how simple they are when they work. They help us gain distance from the experience, where we can then pivot toward what truly matters to us. We’re not trying to never spiral again (you’re not a robot). But we can change our relationship to the spiral over time and allow it to be what it is - a series of thoughts that, though compelling, don’t have to control our actions.

What’s the Point of Journaling?

So, you’ve heard journaling might be helpful for you. But you already know what’s going on in your mind and solve things internally, so… why bother writing it down?

Let’s talk about it.

There’s a difference between journaling and thinking. I know, it sounds like just another thing to add to your already full to-do list. But stick with me. Our minds move fast, especially if you’re the smart, driven, overthinking type. Journaling slows that mental sprint.

It introduces intentional awareness in a way that pure thought can’t.

While your mind loves jumping to the next thing (plans, tasks, imaginary arguments with people who wronged you in 2014), journaling invites you to stay with what’s here. And that matters, especially if you tend to avoid sitting with hard emotions or uncomfortable thoughts. Which, by the way, isn’t a character flaw - it’s just what minds do.

Journaling has this sneaky way of cutting through avoidance when you least expect it. One of my favorite tricks? Write about not wanting to journal. That’s it. Literally just start with: “I’m noticing my mind doesn’t want to do this” or “I’m noticing I’m planning dinner instead.” (Both of which I’ve experienced.) The power is in choosing to stay anyway - to write even when it’s awkward or boring or slightly annoying.

If you’re wondering what the hell you’re supposed to write about, here’s the good news: there are no rules.

When you're just starting out, as I shared above, try writing about the experience of journaling itself. You might actually write, “I don’t know what to write about.” Cool, start there.

Eventually, you can get more specific. Maybe you write about a past relationship, a tense dynamic with a sibling, or something you haven’t been able to say out loud. When we journal, we start to make sense of things that felt tangled in our heads. It’s like talking to someone about a problem, except in this situation, you’re both the talker and the listener, and you get to hold yourself accountable.

Which brings me to my final “why” of journaling - it builds self-trust.

Each time you show up, even in a messy, resistant, low-energy way, you’re strengthening the muscle that says: I can be with myself. I can face what’s here.

You start to notice how you relate to different parts of you. You can even write to those parts - the anxious one, the perfectionistic one, the tired one who’s just over it. It’s surprisingly powerful if you let it be.

I get it - journaling can feel like one more thing to do. And let’s be honest - most of us (myself included) are experts at avoiding the kind of honesty journaling invites. It takes effort. It’s vulnerable. And the only way we grow is to face that vulnerability.

So if you’re wondering whether journaling is worth it, the answer isn’t in how perfectly you do it - it’s in the willingness to show up and see what unfolds.

Too Busy for Therapy? Here’s a Smarter Way to Get the Support You Need

Let me guess: you’ve thought about therapy, but between work, social life, and everything else you have going on, it just never feels like the right time. When you’re busy doing all the things, it makes sense to not make time for one more thing.

This is where intensives come in. I offer intensives to help high achieving women with high functioning anxiety make time to slow down and check-in in a focused multi-hour setting.

Weekly Therapy Doesn’t Work for Everyone

If you’re already juggling a million things, weekly therapy can become just another task to complete. It can be hard to switch out of “productivity mode” to make space to actually process your experiences or talk about the things that you actually want to deal with. It feels easier to put them off for another day, another week. Maybe in the past you’ve tried therapy and felt like you were barely scratching the surface and then it was “time to wrap up” for the day.

The idea of committing to months of weekly appointments might also feel overwhelming - and you might be looking for deeper relief and more meaningful progress sooner than that. 

What Are Therapy Intensives?

Therapy intensives are designed to give you the benefits of multiple sessions in a condensed timeframe. Instead of meeting for 50 minutes each week, intensives are longer, focused sessions (e.g., three hours), with structured pre-work. These sessions allow you to dive deep into the work without the interruptions of daily life, making them an efficient way to create meaningful progress.

How Therapy Intensives Help Busy Women

Therapy intensives offer a space for YOU - this is dedicated, uninterrupted time, and it can be personalized to your needs. For women with high-functioning anxiety and a history of relational wounds, these are helpful because of: 

• Efficiency: Get weeks of therapy done in one focused session, allowing you to see results without a long-term time commitment.

• Deep Focus: Without the stop-and-start of weekly sessions, you can work through challenges more effectively.

• Immediate Takeaways: Walk away with tangible insights and strategies you can apply right away.

• Flexibility: Instead of carving out an hour each week, you can schedule a single intensive when it best fits your calendar.

Ready to Make Therapy Work for You?

Your healing doesn’t have to wait for your schedule to clear up. Whether it’s one intensive or multiple, you have the ability to prioritize your well-being without disrupting your larger life. If you’re curious about how an intensive could work for you, schedule a free consultation to explore your options and take the first step toward meaningful change.

Why Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing” the Problem You Think You Have

If you’re anything like me, you like figuring things out and solving problems. You may have approached your own self-awareness/wellness/whatever-other-label-you-want-to-put-on-it journey the same way - find the thing to fix, and well, fix it. If you’ve done any therapy, you may have sat and told the therapist all that you’ve learned and that if this one thing just changed, things would fall into place.

Sound familiar? It makes sense - feeling calm and in control is an understandable goal. No one wants to constantly live in fight-or-flight or to revisit the same problem over and over again. However, in my experience, it’s not that simple. What I’ve found time and again is that my clients are looking for something much deeper than just symptom management.

My clients often come in with the same idea - fix this (e.g., get rid of anxiety, learn to set boundaries) and it will all fall into place. As we work together, it becomes clear that much more is going on - for many, what they’re really looking for is a new kind of relationship - both with themselves and with others.

In therapy, we can explore these relationships, understand past experiences and how they may have shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world, and learn to show up and find meaning in your life without letting uncomfortable experiences take over. 

In terms of relationships with ourselves, many folks I talk to spend so much energy pushing away uncomfortable internal experiences (e.g., anxiety, negative self-talk) that they don’t have space for meaning, connection, and compassion with themselves. In relationships with others, it might look like feeling the drive to please others, or fearing being “too much.” The goal in therapy isn’t to erase these uncomfortable experiences, but actually to learn how to connect with them, understand them better, and show up in your life without letting them take over. Therapy is a space to get curious about where these tendencies come from and how they might be keeping you from feeling genuinely secure in your connections.

So, whether you’re considering therapy or you’re already in it, remember that this process isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a new relationship with yourself that feels secure and trusting and forming relationships with others that feel aligned with your own personal values.

What It Means to Be Sober Curious (and why it might be for you)

Have you ever woken up after a wine-fueled girls night and felt more than just the hangover? Maybe there’s a sense of regret about something you said, or a feeling of disconnection from yourself, your values or the moment you’re in. For many women with high functioning anxiety, alcohol isn’t just a social lubricant; it’s also a bandaid – and it’s starting to peel off.

Welcome to the world of being sober curious: the space where you start questioning your relationship with booze without necessarily committing to a lifetime of saying no.

What Does “Sober Curious” Actually Mean?

Sober curious doesn’t mean you’ve hit “rock bottom” or have alcohol use disorder. It’s not about labeling yourself - it’s about recognizing patterns in your drinking, like always reaching for that second (or third) glass when life feels overwhelming or using alcohol to quiet the voice in your head.

For many high-achieving women, drinking often becomes a way to “let go” of the constant pressure to perform. But here’s the catch: alcohol can actually amplify the self-doubt and second-guessing you’re trying to escape from. The courage it offers in the moment often turns into shame or anxiety the next day.

Why Are Women Like You Quitting Drinking?

1. You want deeper connection. Drinking can make you feel more connected in the moment, but over time it can leave your relationships feeling superficial. If you’re someone who already struggles to trust others, drinking can create a false sense of safety - one that disappears when the buzz wears off. Quitting drinking gives you the chance to show up authentically, even if it feels scary at first.

2. Your anxiety is getting worse. That post-drink anxiety spiral? It’s not your imagination. Alcohol disrupts your brain’s ability to regulate stress, which means what felt like a shortcut to relaxation can backfire in the long run. If you’re already prone to overthinking and self-doubt, alcohol might be making things worse.

3. You want to get to know yourself again. It’s hard to hear your own voice when you’re drowning it out with a drink. Exploring sobriety, whether it’s for a weekend, a month, or longer, gives you space to reconnect with your emotions, desires, and boundaries. It’s an opportunity to get to know yourself better.

How to Start Your Sober Curious Journey

1. Get curious without judgment. Instead of labeling your drinking as “good” or “bad,” try to notice patterns. Do you drink when you feel uncomfortable at social events? When you’re celebrating a big win? When you’re trying to escape feelings of failure? Awareness is the first step to making intentional choices.

2. Experiment with alternatives. Mocktails aren’t just for kids or designated drivers. Finding a ritual, like mixing a refreshing non-alcoholic drink or sipping tea, can give you the same sense of indulgence without the aftermath. Plus, many sober curious women report feeling more present and connected to their surroundings when booze isn’t involved.

3. Find your people. Choosing sobriety, even temporarily, can feel isolating if your social circle revolves around boozy brunches and happy hours. Consider joining a community of like-minded women who are also exploring their relationship with alcohol. Sometimes, simply knowing you’re not the only one can make it feel more doable.

4. Be honest with yourself about the challenges. Exploring sobriety isn’t always easy. You might feel the pull of old habits or the sting of awkwardness at your first alcohol-free party. But each time you choose presence over numbing, you’re strengthening your ability to trust yourself, a skill that spills over into every area of your life.

If you’ve been questioning your relationship with alcohol, this may be your sign to lean into that curiosity. You don’t need a plan or a label - just a willingness to explore what’s possible. You might just find that the connection, clarity, and self-trust you’ve been searching for were never at the bottom of a glass to begin with.

9 Common Mistakes When It Comes to Anxiety

None of us were born knowing how to deal with anxiety. It’s something many of us grapple with at some point in our lives, and sometimes we handle it in ways that make it worse, rather than better. Read on to see some common mistakes people make when dealing with anxiety. Take note of which you notice in your own life in order to start more effectively navigating anxious moments.

1. Avoiding

Avoiding situations or activities that trigger anxiety may provide temporary relief, but it reinforces avoidance behaviors and prevents you from developing effective coping skills in the long term.

2. Overthinking

If overthinking is familiar for you, this is your reminder to check yourself. Excessive rumination and overanalyzing situations can actually exacerbate anxiety symptoms and lead to a cycle of negative thinking.

3. Self Medicating

Turning to alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb anxiety symptoms is common in many cultures. However, this habit can actually worsen anxiety over time, and can eventually lead to dependence.

4. Isolating

Withdrawing from social interactions and support networks can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation, worsening anxiety symptoms. Consider how you might engage with a friend, acquaintance, or family member this week.

5. Perfectionism

Setting unrealistic standards and expecting perfection can fuel anxiety and create undue stress in both personal and professional endeavors. Notice where you might be able to loosen the reins a bit.

6. Neglecting Physical Health

Neglecting physical health factors such as exercise, nutrition, and sleep can contribute to increased anxiety levels and decreased resilience. Finding someone who can support you in this can be particularly helpful

7. Procrastination

Putting off tasks or responsibilities due to anxiety is understandable. However, it can lead to increased stress and feelings of overwhelm in the long run, when things pile up or get to the last minute.

8. Comparing to others

Constantly comparing oneself to others and their perceived accomplishments can fuel feelings of inadequacy and contribute to anxiety. Begin to notice who and what you compare yourself to most.

9. Avoiding professional help

Delaying or avoiding seeking professional help for anxiety symptoms can prolong suffering and prevent you from accessing effective treatment options. There is help out there.

Recognizing these common mistakes can help you make positive changes in managing your anxiety and seek support when needed. Learning healthy coping strategies and seeking professional guidance can lead to feeling more able to engage in life, helping improve your overall well-being.