Why Do I Need Other People’s Approval to Feel Good About Myself? (And How to Shift It)

You’ve know you shouldn’t need external validation. You know you should feel proud of yourself without someone clapping for you. And yet, the approval still feels very necessary, despite “knowing better.”

External Validation Was Your Survival Skill

For high-achieving women, external validation often started as being praised, approved of, or needed. By performing, excelling, and meeting expectations, you kept yourself safe from disapproval, criticism, and punishment (whether from parents, teachers, other adults or peers). 

As you grew up, this approval became equated with emotional safety. As long as you had a grade or job evaluation, you knew you were safe or not. But as an adult, this became more complicated - the absence of external validation can feel confusing and empty. Praise was outsourced all your life, so you might not even consider being proud of yourself. 

Which leaves your whole system wondering: ““Am I doing it right?” “Is this enough?”

The Goal Isn’t to Stop Caring — It’s to Stop Outsourcing

Let’s be real - we as humans are wired for connection, so you will care about others’ opinions. The work is to stop outsourcing your worth to those opinions and recognize that your worth isn’t dependent on others’ reactions.

Here are a few ways to build internal validation:

  • Pause after small wins. “That felt aligned. That was enough.”

  • Notice when you’re chasing approval over alignment.

  • Expect discomfort. Internal validation takes practice because your system is wired for gold stars.

It might feel weird at first, but each time you do this, you’re rewiring your system to feel safe with you rather than needing outside input. Internal validation might feel quieter, and the dopamine spike may not be as high - but it is far more sustainable.

Next
Next

Why You Feel Guilty When Setting Boundaries (And How to Make it Easier)