It’s Normal to Need Space from People You Love
If you love someone, you want to be around them all the time… right? Yeah, no. In reality, a healthy amount of independence is essential for a relationship, whether it’s with family members, friends, or a romantic partner.
This idea can be especially sticky for high achievers and former golden children, who are used to over-functioning and showing up for others and may feel guilt when they even notice their desire for space.
Where does this narrative come from?
This narrative is emphasized in many aspects of society (hello, rom-com movies), but I want to focus on how growing up in certain families can exacerbate this message. If you grew up in a family that emphasized certain caretaking roles or putting family above everything else, it was likely implied that more time with family was always a good thing. Fast forward to adulthood, and you may feel like you’re a bad person for needing space from friends, partners, and yes, family.
Why this narrative doesn’t work.
This narrative of “If I love them, I should want to be with them all the time,” doesn’t hold water when it comes to real relationships. Both physical and emotional space are important and help maintain individuality. When you don’t have this, you’re at risk of codependency and enmeshment, which can result in you both feeling responsible for the other person’s mood, forgetting what you actually want or need separate from the other person, and feeling depleted and resentful. Love can get tangled up with emotional caretaking, approval seeking, or fear of abandonment. You’re no longer choosing closeness but feel like you have to maintain it.
Boundaries are important - not just a buzz word.
Boundaries are not just a buzz word. They are what make healthy connections possible. They allow for individuation, and being able to communicate your boundaries actually facilitates trust and closeness emotionally. When you are able to take space from a partner, you are able to come back with more capacity for listening, being present, and being curious with your partner.
Space isn’t about withdrawing love; it’s about protecting the conditions that allow love to grow. It gives each person time to regulate their nervous system, reconnect with their own self and needs, and bring fresh energy into the relationship.
If you fantasize about solo time more than you’d like to admit, start here:
Schedule intentional solo time without over-explaining it.
Notice when irritation comes up - it might actually be a sign you need space, not a sign the relationship is failing.
Practice letting small pockets of distance exist - an evening apart, a weekend trip, a morning walk alone - without rushing to fill them.
It’s okay if you still have an uncomfortable feeling at the idea of space. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong - it’s a sign you were taught to equate closeness with constant contact. Unlearning that is uncomfortable. Let it be uncomfortable - a secure relationship can handle, and thrives on, healthy independence.