Coping Strategies for Perfectionism and Anxiety (That Actually Work)
If you identify as a perfectionist, I can imagine you may have been told to just “relax” or “let it go.” And maybe you want to - maybe you fantasize about life being easier if you just didn’t care as much. In reality, it’s not that easy - both because perfectionism and anxiety have served you and can be a sort of superpower, and because “coping” often turns into a perfectionism loop itself, finding “better” and more “efficient” ways to deal with… well, yourself.
In this post, I’ll break down the coping strategies that don’t work, including why they backfire, along with ones that can actually help you turn down the dial on anxiety and perfectionism.
Why Coping Strategies Matter
Perfectionism has a lot of plus sides. And, if you’re here, I’m guessing you’ve either experienced firsthand, or seen in someone close to you, how anxiety and perfectionism feed off of each other. Perfectionism sets up the standards, and anxiety reminds you constantly of the need to meet them and avoid failing. In this case, coping strategies are used to interrupt the cycle. They help you slow down, soften your inner critic’s voice, and create breathing room so that you have a sense of agency in your actions.
Unmanaged perfectionism and anxiety can lead quickly to burnout, and resentment in your relationships - with the right coping tools, you can shift to moving through life from a steady, sustainable place instead.
Popular Strategies That Don’t Work Long-Term
Perfectionists can be great at finding and developing coping strategies - they’re just not always the most helpful or effective in the long term. Let’s talk about a few of them.
Overpreparing and over-researching: If you just learn more and do more to make sure everything goes a certain way, the anxiety will go down…right? Unfortunately, instead of reducing anxiety, overpreparing and over-researching often feeds it. Anxiety says, if one more hour helps, then three more must be better.
People pleasing to avoid conflict: This might make everyone else happy, but in the long term it breeds overwhelm and resentment (which then become something else to “fix).
Numbing with busyness, scrolling, or alcohol: Keeping busy 24/7 can look “productive,” but in reality it's constantly keeping you from resting. When you do try to rest? Enter in scrolling or substance use in the name of “downtime,” when, if you’re honest with yourself, it's often more avoidance motivated.
Toxic positivity: Telling yourself to be grateful doesn't get rid of anxiety - it actually often adds guilt and shame on top and gives you another part of yourself to “fix.”
Don’t get me wrong - these strategies all provide short-term relief. They often look really functional and productive, and you may actually get praise for your ability to be so “organized.” Unfortunately, the benefits don’t last in the long term.
Coping Strategies that Actually Work
So let’s talk about some strategies that actually make a difference. Again, we aren’t getting rid of perfectionism - we’re just taking back the steering wheel so you can choose when to utilize it.
Mindfulness Practices
This is not about an hour long meditation practice. Mindfulness can look like pausing for 30 seconds and notice your breath or how your body feels. Try spending a moment looking around, moving both your eyes and your head - this triggers an evolutionary response to calm the nervous system and return to the present moment. Mindfulness practices can help you zoom out and notice “Oh I’m spiraling,” instead of getting swept up in the spiral itself.
Values-Based Decision Making
Instead of trying to make the “right” or “perfect” decision, let’s try something different. Ask yourself which decision feels more aligned. Using your values (e.g., compassion, curiosity, authenticity) as a compass can help make decisions feel clearer and less fear-driven.
Self-Compassion Exercises
Bear with me - I know self-compassion can feel off-putting when you’re used to pushing yourself. It can feel like if you’re compassionate with yourself, you’ll let yourself go and not get anything done. In reality, self-compassion doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook - it means both understanding, kindness, and accountability. It can look like talking to yourself like you would a friend. Fun fact - it actually can help you bounce back from setbacks faster than self-criticism ever could.
Somatic Regulation
Somatic regulation refers to regulating your body and nervous system. Quick grounding techniques like pushing your hands on top of your head, doing a breathing exercise, or stretching out tense muscles actually signal safety to your nervous system, allowing you to get back in the driver's seat.
Flexible Routines
Perfectionists often have a love and hate relationship with routines. On one hand, they’re incredibly regulating and provide predictability and a sense of control. On the other hand, they can feel rigid and pressured, or you might feel extremely thrown off when something changes. Flexible routines let you keep consistency without the all-or-nothing aspect. This can look like journaling one line, or doing five minutes of exercise, instead of skipping entirely. It involves doing 20% of the habit or scheduled task, rather than feeling compelled to either finish it entirely or skip it.
Coping in Real Life
So what does this actually look like in real life? I’m glad you asked (or I imagine you did). Let’s look at how this looks in a few scenarios.
Example 1: Relationship Conflict
Old way: You people-please in the moment to avoid discomfort, and then replay the conversation endlessly afterward, silently simmering in a mix of resentment and self-judgment
New option: In the moment, you use a grounding breath to pause, you connect to your values (e.g., I value honesty, even when it feels awkward), and let go of needing to say everything perfectly.
Example 2: Procrastination
Old way: You avoid starting a task until you have the “perfect” plan, then feel rushed last minute, spending all night working on it and not being present for other parts of your life.
New option: You notice the urge to avoid starting, and you decide to take one small step, even if it feels messy or you know you’ll “have to go back and fix it.” Recognize the progress one step at a time.
When Coping Isn’t Enough
These are all helpful skills, and it’s important to recognize that when you have been practicing a certain skill set (perfectionism) for decades, it’s hard to introduce shifts to this, no matter how small. In addition, there are often deeper roots to perfectionism and anxiety that won’t be addressed by day-to-day coping.
If you notice the same patterns repeating, and if the perfectionist voice says “no thank you” to each and every shift you try, it might be time for deeper support. Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or another source of support, create space to explore the roots of perfectionism and establish long-term safety over temporary coping.
Next Steps for Coping With Perfectionism and Anxiety
Coping with perfectionism and anxiety isn’t about finding the “perfect” strategy or doing everything “right.” In fact, that’s often just another perfectionist trap that keeps you stuck. What actually helps is learning simple, sustainable tools you can use on tired, messy, and imperfect days, rather than doing it all or giving up.
The most effective coping strategies meet you where you are, not where your inner critic says you “should” be. It might be taking one slow breath (not a twenty (or five) minute meditation), or taking a quick stretch break at your desk.
If you’re ready to go beyond just coping and want support in untangling perfectionism and anxiety at the root, learn more about Therapy for Perfectionism and Anxiety in High-Achieving Women.