Why You Feel Guilty When Setting Boundaries (And How to Make it Easier)

So, you heard boundary setting is an important skill, or would help with your overwhelm, or would improve your relationships. What you may not have expected but how awkward and guilty they can make you feel. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong - it actually means you haven’t learned to tolerate boundary guilt (which makes sense, this is new!)

Guilt isn’t a sign you’re wrong - it’s a sign you’re doing something unfamiliar.

For high-achievers and recovering people-pleasers, boundaries can feel like conflict. You might think that it’s “making something out of nothing.” But if it was nothing, would it still be bothering you this much? Think about what you’re actually afraid of. For many people, its about how the other person might feel - will they be hurt? Disappointed? Angry? Even if you’ve thought this through are okay with how they feel, your nervous system might not be. 

When you’ve spent years keeping the peace, being reliable, and managing others’ emotions, your nervous system equates “saying no” with relational risk. Guilt and awkwardness can show up when your system is adjusting to a new pattern.

The First Step: Slow the Yes

Have you ever automatically responded yes to a request, only to resent it later? You might have even felt okay with it in the moment, but odds are, if you’re reading this, you may have not checked in with yourself before answering - “yes” can become a reflex when you’re used to achieving and people-pleasing.

When you’re learning to set boundaries, the most important thing is often having space to make a decision. You can check in with what you want and what works for your priorities in the situation. Then, you can let the other person know where you stand (e.g., whether you can help them, whether they can stay at your place, or whether you are coming to Christmas).

Instead of answering in real time, try:

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” or even “I’ll let you know!”

Buying yourself time allows your nervous system to chill out, not freak out that you’re going to lose a relationship, and step back and let your prefrontal cortex (aka decision making skill) get online. You interrupt the automatic yes long enough to consider what you actually want.

In therapy, we don’t just practice saying no - we practice sitting with the discomfort.

Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means this is new. Therapy helps you practice boundary skills and the emotions that come with them - so you can protect your energy without feeling like a terrible person.