Is It Self-Care or Self-Sabotage?

Do you ever wonder if some of your coping strategies could be hurting more than they are helping? You might wonder - when is something effective when it comes to coping, and when does it turn to a form of avoidance? Read on to learn about some “tells” for when your self-care might be drifting into self-sabotage.

1. Ignoring Your Emotions

If your self-care is serving you primarily by allowing you to avoid difficult feelings, you may want to reconsider it. Avoiding your feelings may provide temporary relief, but it prevents true healing and resolution. Check in with what emotions you may be avoiding and why they are showing up.

2. Procrastination

Sometimes we use self-care to avoid doing the things we need to do. Putting off tasks or responsibilities only adds to your stress and anxiety in the long run. Definitely take breaks as needed, and break tasks into smaller, manageable steps and tackle them one at a time.

3. Social Isolation

While it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself If you need a break from social events, if you notice yourself continuing to say no, this might be an area to look at. Retreating from social interactions can intensify feelings of loneliness and exacerbate mental health struggles.

4. Substance Abuse:

Ever feel tired or frustrated and turn to a glass of wine to turn down the volume? While understandable, this might play into self-sabotage if it's preventing you from engaging in other valued activities.

5. Avoiding Challenges

Like social events, assess what you can handle and say no when needed. However, if you notice you haven’t taken up a challenge recently, you may be avoiding. Stepping outside your comfort zone is essential for personal growth, learning, and development.

As you can see, the line between self-care and self-sabotage can feel blurry. Remember - true self-care uplifts and empowers you, while self-sabotage often leans into avoidance and holds you back. Take some time to notice which of these you tend toward, and make a commitment this week to notice where these show up.

7 Myth-Busting Facts about Attachment Styles

With the increase in information about attachment styles comes plenty of myths about these styles and their impact on our lives. Here are some myth-busting facts to help you get more familiar with attachment styles.

1. Attachment styles are not fixed.

While they may develop early in life, they can evolve and change over time through experiences and relationships.

2. Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect.

Even individuals with secure attachment styles may experience challenges in relationships.

3. Attachment styles are not solely determined by parenting.

While early caregiving experiences can influence attachment, other factors such as genetics, temperament, and life experiences also play a role.

4. Not all insecure attachment styles are the same.

There are different types of insecure attachment, including anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, each with distinct characteristics. Moreover, these will show up differently for each individual!

5. Attachment styles are not always obvious.

Some individuals may display different attachment behaviors in different relationships or situations.

6. Attachment styles can be influenced by therapy.

With the help of therapy, individuals can develop more secure attachment patterns and improve their relationships.

7. Attachment styles are not solely about romantic relationships.

They can also impact relationships with friends, family members, and even colleagues.

Attachment styles can influence much of our lives, and they can be a particularly helpful thing to address in psychotherapy. For more information on how this might help you personally, contact me.

What is EMDR and How Can It Help Me?

EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapeutic technique that helps individuals process and integrate distressing memories and experiences through bilateral stimulation. It can be used to treat trauma or other emotional difficulties, including anxiety and depression.

What is Bilateral Stimulation?

A central part of EMDR is what’s called “bilateral stimulation.” Bilateral stimulation is the use of eye movements, taps, or sounds to stimulate both sides of your body/brain. This might look like tapping your shoulders, following a light with your eyes, or hearing an alternating sound in headphones. The method used can depend on preference, method of therapy (virtual vs in-person), accessibility, and more. For example, many therapists have clients tap their shoulders using a “butterfly hug” position, where the arms are crossed over the chest and the hands tap opposite shoulders. 

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR is particularly effective in treating trauma-related conditions, including PTSD, by helping people reprocess traumatic memories and alleviate associated symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance.

EMDR for Emotional Difficulties

EMDR can also help with other issues by resolving underlying negative beliefs and emotions. For example, EMDR can help with anxiety, depression, phobias, and low self-esteem.

Whether you’re seeking relief from trauma related symptoms or aiming to overcome emotional barriers, EMDR offers a path toward greater well-being and fulfillment. If you have questions about whether EMDR might be a good fit for you, please contact me or reach out to another qualified clinician.

6 Ways Your Anxiety is Lying to You

When we feel anxious, various thoughts come to mind, and taking these thoughts too seriously often prolongs the feeling of anxiety. Here are some common categories of thoughts accompanying anxiety, as well as examples of how your anxiety is convincing you to stay anxious. As you read through these, notice which ones show up the most for you in your life.

1. Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing can lead to increased anxiety by envisioning worst-case scenarios and exaggerating negative outcomes beyond realistic proportions. An example of this might be making a small mistake at work and thinking that you will be fired and end up homeless. 

2. Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning occurs when your emotions dictate your perceptions. This can lead to irrational conclusions about yourself and the world and result in worsened anxiety. For example, when you feel uneasy in a crowded room, emotional reasoning might lead you to assume everyone is judging you and dislikes you. In this example, your perception is based solely on your emotions.

3. Mind Reading

Mind-reading fuels anxiety by presuming to know what others’ thoughts are. This often leads to further worry and anxiety-led behavior. An example of this would be assuming, without evidence, that colleagues think poorly of your presentation at work, fueling anxiety and self-doubt.

4. Fortune Telling

Fortune telling involves predicting negative outcomes without evidence. This can lead to worry and preemptive distress about the future. For example, approaching a job interview, you might believe that it will go poorly. This can lead to anxiety and actually undermine your confidence during the actual interview.

5. Control Fallacies

Control fallacies occur when one assumes responsibility for external events and tries to exercise that control to prevent negative outcomes; control fallacies can also refer to one feeling powerless over any changes or events. For example, you might feel responsible for a project’s failure, even though external factors and other colleagues contributed - this could lead to increased anxiety and self-blame if gone unchecked.

6. All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking, also known as black-and-white thinking, involves seeing situations rigidly, often in terms of success or failure. This fosters a fear of failure and dismisses any middle ground or nuance. For example, when preparing to give a speech, you might believe that any mistake will lead to complete failure, leading to anxiety before the event.

Each of these distortions can significantly increase anxiety, but noticing them and naming them can help take their power away. Practice recognizing these distortions, and notice which show up the most for you this week. As your self-awareness increases, you will likely find that the grip of the anxiety-furthering thoughts loosens, lowering the associated distress and freeing you to engage in things that truly matter to you. 

Better Understand Your Anxiety Symptoms

Anxiety can feel overwhelming and difficult to describe. Breaking it down into different categories can help you to understand what you’re feeling, feel more in control, and communicate with others. Below, we’ll go through some of the common categories of anxiety symptoms. Take note of which are most common for you. These might be helpful tools as you work to increase your awareness of patterns and responses.

Thought-Related Symptoms of Anxiety

One aspect of your anxiety to notice is your thoughts. When you are anxious, what thoughts are running to your mind? What are they like - are they critical, gentle, logical, illogical? Take a moment to write down some of the thoughts you notice. As you increase your awareness of your thoughts, some patterns might emerge. You might notice some thoughts coming up over and over in different situations. This process of awareness can help you to understand what is leading to the feeling of anxiety, as well as some beliefs underneath these thoughts.

Emotional Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety can come with multiple emotions attached. While fear is commonly associated with anxiety, other emotions can be involved too. This could be anger, grief, shame, or more. When you’re feeling anxious, take a moment to notice what is showing up emotionally for you, or what you may have been feeling prior to the anxiety. This will require you to slow down, which can be difficult when you’re feeling anxious. Be gentle with yourself throughout this process.

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety can often show up in physical symptoms. These include nausea, feelings of warmth or cold, lightheadedness, trembling, or upset stomach. For some people, these feel intense and difficult to ignore, while for others these are more subtle. As you build your awareness of your anxiety, you can begin to notice how your body reacts to it, which also gives you more opportunities to take care of yourself when anxiety rears its head.

Everyone experiences anxiety differently; some of these symptoms might show up strongly for you, while others never appear. Learning to acknowledge the different aspects of your own experience is a huge step in the journey of self-awareness and understanding. From this self-awareness, you can learn to ground, cope, and speak to yourself in a way that alleviates the distress that often accompanies anxiety.